Photo: Well done
Expect. That’s it? Tom and Tom were parachuted into the winter house for a night of partying, a day of snowboarding, and a night of kicking off a 90s-inspired rave, then extracted after about 36 hours like it was some kind of military reality TV operation? The money they spent on their plane tickets was not enough to justify all this trip. I only had to write one Tom-and-Tom slash-fiction scene. Just like natural toothpaste lovers, the public is crying out for more Toms.
After a long day of shredding, the Toms tell everyone they’re having a rave, and everyone asks about the dress code. The Toms say it’s “whatever you want it to be”. No, sorry. That’s not how this show works. You set a theme for the party, everyone dresses up for it, and then we sit down and mock them for their outfits. It’s the natural order of the universe, and for the Toms, it’s ridiculous to upset it. Everyone basically decides the theme is “brilliant”, but it definitely looks like the movie’s marketing photo shoot Go minus Katie Holmes.
Not much happens at the party, although Tom tells Kyle and Amanda that things with him and Katie are “complicated”, but he respects her privacy enough not to tell them that she is planning a divorce. . To be fair, it’s the only time Tom has ever respected Katie, so at least he’s doing something right in retrospect. However, it was foolish to sit back and listen to all of Kyle and Amanda’s relationship advice (which is a bit like taking financial advice from Nicolas Cage) when he knew his proverbial goose was already sorely cooked. proverbial.
Paige and Craig have a moment at the party when Craig says he spent days yelling at all of Paige’s friends and she didn’t even say a single thing. He says that like it’s a good thing, like it’s a compliment. Um, maybe he should stop yelling at his partner’s friends, and if he can’t, maybe Paige should start saying something? She leaves that chat saying, “As long as Craig admits what he did was wrong and takes ownership of it, I’m such a peach.” But, wait, he didn’t apologize Where taken any amount of property. Did Paige overhear the same conversation as me? Is she just looking for reasons to forgive him?
Most of the action at the party, however, takes place between the new couples. Rachel and Jason have a cute little kiss right in front of everyone that leaves them both giddy and heads for some more smooching in Jason’s room after hours.
It was cute and all, but Jess and Kory really bring the boom chicka wow wow like a CD-rom Larry Leisure Suit. They’re lying on the couch together and Jess says, “I really want you inside me.” (Same, sister.) I can’t believe Kory’s plan is actually working. He played so cool with Jess that she’s now all hot and bothered about it. Until the very end, he says he’s just going to tuck her in – he’s not going to sleep with her. She literally says, “Why don’t you want to sleep with me?” Some men have trouble getting consent, but not our Kory. He makes them beg for it. He wants consent so powerful he could be in a Marvel movie. And then, when he finally gives in, he’s gentleman enough to cover the camera in the middle of the night.
The next morning, Jess is full of good reports. She says not only was he so good in the bag that he made her “squirt all over the place”, but her – ahem – ski pole is so long she couldn’t even hold it all in two hands. Oh, Jesus. Is Kory going to be the first Bravo OnlyFans I’m not ironically subscribed to? (Sorry, Larsa.)
It’s so funny to watch the different trajectories of our budding relationships. Jason and Rachel seem really smitten. He says he would be totally in love with her, but she’s also not the kind of girl you just hang out with. Rachel, too, seems to be developing feelings for Bravo’s nicest guy.
Meanwhile, there’s Jess and Kory, the Shannon Tweeds and Gene Simmons of the house. She is so dickmatized that she goes all out in Kory. The next day, she’s upstairs in her bedroom showing him her ta-tas while Paige is downstairs in the kitchen trying to teach Luck, a grown human, how to pronounce the word. donut. The night after they first meet, Jess tells him, “Let’s make a sex tape”, to which he says he doesn’t like blood, meaning she’s on her period. Didn’t like the day before either, or didn’t they go full P in V? Either way, he insists she suck him off, and you wouldn’t know it, he gets it. Is Kory an asshole or some kind of dating genius? A bit of each? Neither? I do not know.
Jess’ other story is about how she doesn’t feel very welcome by the girl group; she tells the boys that they treat her like “mean girls”. Yeah, it seems Jess likes to hang out with guys, driving bent nails into logs with the world’s smallest hammer. I mean, why? Why not go upstairs and lay in bed with Paige and Ciara and talk about the latest season of the island of love? That’s where it happens.
At the end of the episode, it finally explodes when Paige says that she tried to help Jess fit in and really checked her out, but is tired of being called a bad guy. daughter. I think the fault lies between them. Like Paige said last season on summer house and Mya and Ciara confirmed that it’s hard to be the new person on one of those shows where everyone is already friends. I hope Paige, Ciara and Amanda will be a little more tolerant and try to include Jess. I also think Jess is scared of being homeschooled and doesn’t know how to get along with girl groups. Rachel seemed to slide right into the group dynamics like a slippery butt plug, but she wasn’t sitting at home learning that evolution doesn’t exist, like Jess was. (Does that mean public school is like lube? I may need to revisit that metaphor.)
The episode ends with Rachel throwing a Garden of Eden-themed party for the team and making a huge flower arrangement in the living room that looks like the Instagram wall of any budding influencer’s dream. In honor of the garden, Luke dresses up as an apple, which is adorable, and Kory goes shirtless with a snake wrapped around him. It’s like all the hot gay guys dressed up for Halloween are looking for some reason to get their pecs out and then say, “I’m the ‘Slave 4 U’ bitch of the Britney era, bitch.”
At the party, Austen pulls Ciara aside with the dumbest plan anyone has ever heard. He misses his “girlfriend”, Olivia, and wants her to come visit. As he explains this plan to Luke, he admits that Ciara is the last person he had sex with. So Olivia is his girlfriend, but they haven’t fucked yet? Make that make sense, but actually, please don’t, because then I’m gonna have to think about Austen’s ass, which is flatter than the pancakes that annoying dinner guests ask for. the Under the bridge.
Austen brings this plan to Amanda, and she tells him that she sees no problem here. Has Amanda lost her Loverboy spirit? Of course, there is a problem here. The problem here is that even though Austen and Ciara are “good”, no one wants this lady at home. Austen barely knows her, but he’s going to invite her to cross the great chasm of the Amazon boxes, cross the overturned hearth of beer pong, and then sleep on a mattress full of Craig’s farts?
When Amanda does her contractual duty and reports to the girls, Paige’s initial reaction was the same as mine, which is basically every GIF in the “What?” section of Giphy flashing on my mug all of a sudden. It’s not like Amanda to miss the mark so badly when it comes to her daughters, but maybe she’s out because her husband (mostly) behaved well during this whole trip.
When Austen brings the idea to Ciara, she has the same reaction everyone back home had as soon as he came up with this plan. She says her first reaction is that Austen “doesn’t care about me at all.” Yes you are right. But Ciara asks the most important question, which no one has asked until now: would Olivia be comfortable in the house? Austen says she would rather crawl into a hole and die. Well, here we are. You have your answer, Austen. Why are you even entertaining this fantasy that Olivia is going to show off, absolve you of all the sins of last season and the summer that just passed, and squirt all over the bed like Jess having a threesome with Kory and a Super Soaker?
With that, Austen realizes it’s all a mistake and Ciara is fired. In a confessional, Austen says, “I just get unconscious sometimes.” Sometimes? There’s not a second of his time on Andy Cohen’s Green Earth that he hasn’t been totally oblivious to. Wait, that’s not true. It’s not like Austen has no idea what’s going on, it’s just that he can’t think of anything but himself long enough to determine how his actions are going to be perceived by others. It’s not that Austen is stupid; he’s just blinded by his narcissism. (And also maybe he’s stupid). I can’t wait for him to drop bombs on Lindsay and Carl on their next episode. Hopefully they stay longer than the Toms.