STATEN ISLAND, NY – I loved those Progressive Insurance ads about people becoming their parents.
You know them: They feature actor Bill Glass as “Dr. Rick,” a life coach who highlights how we all end up doing the one thing we swear we’ll never do: act like our mothers and tasteless and uncool fathers.
But one of the recent progressive ads has me unexpectedly infuriated.
In it, a doofy dad is reprimanded by Dr. Rick for talking to a supermarket manager about the good job being done by one of the store employees.
What’s wrong with telling a boss that an employee helped you? I hope people will do this for my kids at work.
This nerdy dad also warns a customer who arrives from a basket that pulls to the left.
Such information is important! How many times have we found out that we have a cart that squeaks, pulls left or right, or has a sticky wheel only after we’re already in the store and just don’t want to go back outside and buy some another ?
I do other things that Dr. Rick advises me against, including starting random conversations with people at the hardware store or the supermarket. Supermarket conversations these days are along the lines of “Can you believe how high these meat prices are?”
And, yeah, I always print out directions when I go somewhere, another Dr. Rick no-no. Because I like choosing my own route, and we all know that traffic apps sometimes put you on routes that aren’t straightforward. What if I want to take the scenic route and not just the fastest route?
Which is worse: me fiddling with paper instructions while driving or a kid texting while driving?
By the way, I still listen to music on vinyl and tape, even though I’ve given up portable CD players, the kind that came with built-in AM-FM radios. They’re made like crap these days, but manufacturers are still trying to use that nostalgia lure to sell them to you. Resist ordering one the next time it appears on your Amazon page.
And is there anything simpler than having music on an MP3 player? I thought I was pretty into it until a co-worker who’s half my age said, “Are you still using an MP3 player?” I haven’t seen one in years.
But it contains thousands of songs! And portable speakers are really bold these days!
And, hey, that beats a walkman.
I refuse to put my music on my phone like all of you kids. I’ve heard too many stories of people suddenly losing songs when updating an operating system or downloading an app. I refuse to pay for a music subscription service when I already own tens of thousands of songs in different formats. I can listen to ad-free music whenever I want.
I would also like to still have an old-fashioned landline phone. With a rotating dial.
I liked having the phone in the kitchen or down the stairs. I wish I could talk to the other person in real time. I wish there wasn’t the lag and echo that we get with cell phones. I hope that the welcome will always be good. I wish I didn’t have to press that uncomfortable hard plastic rectangle against my ear or wear headphones. I would like to not hear the alert beeps while I speak.
Mom and Dad were right about a lot of things too: there’s no free lunch. The world belongs to those who get up early. Being polite and on time goes a long way. Get an education. You don’t get rich by spending money. It is better to own than to rent. Dress for success.
Maybe I have already become my parents. You will also become your parents one day.